New Land New Lessons
60 days. 60 days is about how long Mason and I have lived in Missouri [together]—he moved up March 13th to start working, while I stayed in Texas to finish work, finish school, and close on the house. It has been quite the adventure in just some of the smallest ways to the biggest—we picked up, sold our house, and moved states away. Sometimes following God means doing crazy things like that. And you just trust Him and look ahead with expectation.
Expectation. The problem with expectation is when we define it. By ‘define’ it, I mean we move past the general expectation of I’m expecting God is going to do great things, to detailed expectations with names and timelines and dates… I think you get the point. To be quite honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect from moving to a new land/place/state/region. However, what I did expect was that we’d move; Mason would work; I would make a new routine while having the summer off from school and work; we’d visit some churches and get plugged in at [wherever we felt led]; I’d eventually start working; we’d visit every coffee shop in Springfield—there are almost 15—and we’d spend days exploring the Midwestern terrain and the natural beauty that is Missouri and the Ozarks. Ha.
Reality. The reality of our move has been this: I am loving Missouri; I am missing my Texas tribe; I am loving having family (Mason’s cousins that are our age) here; I love that I have not completed everything on my expectation list in the 2 months I’ve been here… I mean what would I do next then? The reality is we are no longer in the world of working a set schedule of Monday through Friday 8:00am to 5:00pm with an hour lunch break from 12:00pm to 1:00pm. No no, this life is far less consistent and scheduled, but oh! Does it keep us on our toes! Not really lol. There are days that Mason has off work that are spent running errands or days he goes in later where our mornings are spent together watching The Today Show with Kathy Lee & Hoda and The Real, with coffee and breakfast. I know that sounds so exciting… but really, it is. This is why: In this season of not working, I have learned a few things like taking care of house and home and it being my responsibility and less shared… I have experienced the joy and excitement of hearing the door open after Mas has been at work all day. We may have not completed our exploration list, but we are experiencing some firsts that are irreplaceable and part of this adventure we’re on.
Lessons. The biggest difficulty with this move has been developing a routine and having intentional planned out Jesus time. You may be wondering, “How is that so hard? You’re home all day.” Ha! I’ve been wondering the EXACT. SAME. THING. I have passing conversations with Father and He’s a part of my daily life… but I haven’t had moments like I used to have, sitting with my Bible, devotional, and journal and just spending time… I haven’t had my Jesus dates. And it’s been difficult. Never has it been this hard. I believe that God wants to have a relationship with us and that “His sheep know His voice (John 10:27)“… I believe in having conversations with Him that don’t always begin with, “Heavenly Father, I come to you today…” He is God, but He is also Father and friend and counselor (Holy Spirit) too…So I asked God about it; I truly couldn’t understand why it was so hard to go from a routine, busy life to a routine without all the busyness getting in the way. And this is what He spoke to my heart,
Routine and priority are not the same thing. Routine is often in stressful times; it’s done often on autopilot. It can be done mindlessly. But priority is intentional; it requires focus. Sometimes it requires you to force yourself to do it, but you have to be all in when you make something a priority.
…what a difference! This wasn’t to say that routine and priority don’t overlap because they can. But just because something is a routine, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a priority. See, I remember mornings that I’d “wake up” at 4:45am, to be picked up to go work out at 5:00am. 100% autopilot. I would get up, already dressed, brush my teeth, grab my bag from the night before, grab my water bottle, and head out the door… all without ever turning on a light. Even though I was a morning person, I’d really wake up by the time I got to the gym and started working out. Routine and priority happened to overlap. However, from the busyness of life over the last couple of years prior to moving 2 months ago were mostly routine… in hindsight. The last few months were as follows:
4:30am – Wake up, get dressed, grab bag, put together amino acids drink & protein shake
4:54am – Leave house, rush to gym so Kelli doesn’t yell at me ha, but for real…
6:45am – Finish work out, hit the shower
7:15/30am – head to cafeteria to get omelette to-go
7:30am – eat breakfast & have Jesus time in car
8:00am – go inside for work
12:00pm – lunch at home with Mason
1:00pm – back to work
5:00pm – head home… or more like 5:30 depending on what I was working on… never actually left at 5:00.
Every day (Monday-Friday) looked like that, then add 2 days a week grad class 6:30pm-9:30pm after work since fall 2014. OR get home and cook dinner… just short of rock, paper, scissors with Mason over who was gonna cook after a long day. Every day was mostly mapped out. If I wasn’t at work, I was in class. If I wasn’t in class, I was doing homework. If I wasn’t doing homework… well, I was probably procrastinating doing homework or decompressing from the day via watching Arrow or Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (depending on the day) or Friends (on Netflix). ALL. OF. THAT. TO. SAY… My days were like a puzzle, every piece a time slot. The pieces couldn’t go just anywhere… I didn’t have that much freedom with my time. So I didn’t really have to manage my time much; it was kinda pre-managed. And now… now I have to do the managing. Talk about a season of really learning discipline. Sheesh.
And yet, while simultaneously learning how to spend my time wisely, these pages of this chapter of life have also been a lesson in resting. Rest is vital to the body, the soul, the mind, the heart, and life in general… and I’m not good at it. I’ve never known what it was in totality. I’ve known busy like the back of my hand and I have known rest like resting for the afternoon or sleeping in or at most resting for a weekend, but not what it is to rest for any lengthy period of time.
[Random Thought: Ya know, this blog post has gone in a completely different path than I intended. I was going to talk about all the things I’ve learned about ol’ Springfield and it’s little idiosyncrasies that I have observed and taken notice of… But I should warn you, that I write like I talk… and if you have any level of relationship with me, you know that I process with people in conversation. Out of my mouth comes the issues of my heart… quite scripturally, in fact, “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks”… so… welcome… welcome to my internal processing laid out in my words-shaped heart. And no worries, I’ll share Springfield’s quirks in another post.]
Rest. Mason and I FaceTimed with our friendfam Christina yesterday, and this is how I explained to her this place I’m in. Just like life has different seasons, I feel my relationship with God has had different seasons, different phases… it just… it changes. For instance, as a child, preteen, and teen, God was… He was big, He was above the clouds, and He was Daddy. I didn’t have just a super close relationship with my earthly father, and though that typically directly reflects how you view God, God was like my surrogate father.
Then at 18 years old, I moved to Texas to go to Christ For the Nations (CFNI) for Bible college. My relationship with Him then was… it was like honeymooning. I would wake up every morning while my roommates were asleep and have quiet time with Him for an hour and a half to 2 hours before we had to be at chapel at 8:00am. This was the season I started to know Him; I mean really know Him. I had known Him before, but this time, I was learning Him for myself as an adult, not just as my parents had taught Him to my brothers and me. He became more personal than ever.
I graduated from CFNI and moved to New Hampshire. Our relationship at this season was utter and complete desperation… like patient-to-surgeon desperate, my-life-depends-on-You-and-the surgery-You-are-doing-on-my-heart (not literal) desperate. Mason and I had broken up and my identity had been so wrapped up in our relationship, to heal required a figurative heart surgery. My desperation for Him was on high alert. Fo’ reals. Desert season status.
After 5 months exactly, I moved back to Texas. I started interning with the young adults ministry at church, and Mason and I got back together a little more than a month later. About 4 months later started working in Waxahachie and then school at SAGU about a month and a half later. From that point on, I was working and in school up until 2 months ago. During that season, my relationship with Him was… hmm… it was… constant. I know that may not make sense, but it was just, it was like a daily relationship with someone. Random conversations throughout the day and He would speak through everyone and EV. RY. THING. (I know that makes ‘everything’ spelled incorrectly but the 2nd ‘e’ would make that ‘eve’… like Adam and ‘Eve’, “Why’d you have to eat and SHARE the apple, ‘Eve’?! Christmas ‘Eve’… and that wouldn’t sound right… but… in any case…) This season of our relationship was also heavily characterized by counseling and bringing all of the boxes from the depths of my heart to the surface to be dealt with. This season included group therapy, counseling classes, finishing my bachelor’s degree, starting my master’s degree, group therapy class, my parents living with us, buying a house, taking on another job at work, and selling a house. At every turn, He was dealing and healing and revealing… man. When you ask Father to make you better, when you ask Him to make you whole, when you tell Him He can have all of you, there is nothing. NO. THING. there is not a thing off limits. And you WILL be better for it. Utter dependence on Him is the outcome. He’s no longer the breathing machine as the lifeline keeping you alive when you’re near death. He is the heart beat, the blood in your veins, the air in your lungs, the smile on your face and the joy in your heart; the very essence of life and all that keeps you alive and effective every. single. day.
And then. This season. The last 2 months. Our relationship feels like it has been… not distant or stagnant… It has been like two friends spending time together without saying anything unless necessary. Picture you and your best friend chilling on the couch all day, reading, watching a movie, going to Walmart, having coffee, and every now and then you have a conversation. You don’t feel distant and you aren’t ignoring their presence; you are just being… just being together and there is nothing wrong. That is what these last 2 months have felt like. And it’s felt weird up until yesterday talking to Christina. God has consistently made me aware of His presence and reminded me He is in control as long as keep my hands off the wheel and not try a hostile takeover. haha! But really, when you rest in Him… when He places you in a season of rest, embrace it. Trust Him and embrace it. The last year+ has been exhausting in every sense of the word… and even if you can still carry His joy while exhausted, it doesn’t mean your heart, soul, and mind doesn’t need a break, a rest.
So. That is what this post needed to get to. Whatever season you are in, embrace it. Your attempt to rush it won’t get you out of it any sooner… may even prolong it. There’s a lesson to be learned here, right here in this season you’re in. Whether it’s a season of rest or desperation or utter dependence or busyness, no matter how long or short the season is, embrace it fully focusing your heart and mind on Him, trusting Him completely. There are no surprises in His eyes and nothing catches Him off guard.
So set your compass in His hands, enjoy the ride, find joy in the little things, and adventure on, my friends.
Much love, fine folks.
Charis