If Walls Could Talk

Page 365.

365 days in a year and today is the last day of the most trying chapter of our lives. Today is day 365 which means tomorrow is our Zadok’s 1st birthday in heaven. A 365-page chapter in our story. In any book, 365 pages in one, single chapter would potentially be exhaustingly long… and to be honest, ours has been no different.

As you read in my previous blog post New Adventure Next Exit, we are embarking on another adventure. Last Friday was my last day working at Great Circle in preparation for transitioning into a Resident Director (RD) position at Evangel University here in Springfield. While this is a job change, this is more so an entire life change, as it required some sacrifices at various difficulty levels, the hardest being rehoming Winston. It also required us to sell our home—I suppose it didn’t require us to sell our home, per se, but being landlords was definitely not a simultaneous adventure we were ready or able to embark on—and move into the RD apartment in the residence hall where I’ll be working. Lots of change and lots of moving pieces all going at once… and yet, the changes have been like a well-oiled machine. Definitely a prime indicator for us of God working all things together for our good (Romans 8:28).

After being offered the position and signing a contract, I was initially told the apartment would be ready for us to move in as soon as July 8. So I made my last day at Great Circle June 28, the last workday in June, so I could work on packing up the house and all things moving related. Mason, however, was itching for me to find out if we could move any earlier; after all, the sooner the better with moving and wanting to have as much time as needed to have a garage sale, sell the house, clean the house, and set up our new home. Would you believe I got an email June 19 letting me know I could pick up our keys to the apartment as soon as June 20?! Mason was praying for an earlier move and his prayer was certainly answered. I didn’t realize then that after this chapter we’ve lived, my heart needed an earlier move date. Isn’t that just like God to know what we need?

What I thought would take a while, feeling like I had so much time, nearly half the summer, turned into us sitting on the floor in our empty bedroom after finishing moving everything that was going to the apartment and to storage, our house under contract, and all that remained was to clean the house and set up home at the apartment. June 30 and we were moved out. We sat on the floor to eat dinner for the last time in our old, 1931 cottage on Ferguson Ave., yet all I could reflect on was “oh, if these walls could talk…”

See this last year wasn’t like a Marvel movie ending, but a Nicholas Sparks movie ending… someone very loved has died and you’ve cried all the tears… and you loved the movie. It wasn’t until the end of this last chapter where we could see any resemblance of an action movie superheroes vs villains: Father fighting on His kids’ behalf, us fighting spiritual battles, us fighting to choose to trust Father after taking the biggest punch to the heart… fighting to trust when the enemy whispers lies. Battles were had! In retrospect, now is when were at the Marvel post-credits scene that clues you in on what’s to come and you’re pumped to wait another year to find out what that scene means. We’re pumped for what this next year and years to come will look like. But back to last night… 😉 

We sat on the floor and from where I was sitting could see 3 different rooms, all with empty walls and empty rooms but full of memories. If walls could talk, these walls could tell stories. In the last 2 years we’ve lived here, these walls have seen financial stress, me in grad school off and on, aftermath of miscarrying Malachi, fertility tracking and months of failed fertility treatments, adopting Winston, the deep bonding moments and conversations when we’ve been trying to conceive, getting pregnant and surprising Mason, announcing our miracle pregnancy to our people, going into early labor with Zadok, the devastation of returning home empty handed, recovery from surgery, from death the dream brought to life of Mason going back to school, Mason graduating and becoming a barber, Zadok’s memorial, Dad’s stroke symptoms and Dads recovery from stroke both over Christmas—the Christmas Zadok was due. These walls hold secrets and hope and tears, prayers and screams, love, faith and fights against fear, loss and gain, movies and laughter. They’ve heard the giggles of some of my favorite kiddos. They seen holidays celebrated, hosting family and out-of-towners. They’ve heard deep conversations, conversations with believers and unbelievers, really hard conversations, and cries after both of my grandparents passing away. They’ve seen paw prints and muddy prints, wet prints and puppy bath time, dance parties with humans and puppies alike. They’ve seen late nights and early mornings in conversation, Netflix binging, and on-call for work. They’ve seen the joy Winston brought to our hearts and they’ve heard our cries after taking him to his new family. Most of these, these walls have seen and heard in this chapter, this chapter that’s ending.

These walls, before there was anything hanging on them and before any of our story had even begun here, we prayed for them. Two years ago when we bought this house, we invited Holy Spirit to inhabit these walls, that whoever resided inside, whoever entered into our home, would feel the warmth and peace and joy that comes from being in His presence, even if they don’t yet know who He is. We prayed that conversations would be guided by Him and that every gift of the Spirit would be evidenced here. Though this chapter has been hard, though many tears have been shed, these things I know to be true: my marriage is stronger after this year, I know Father deeper than I’ve ever known Him before, Heaven is even more real than I can imagine, and still I have seen the goodness of the Lord, here, in the land of the living… and still I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13)… and I think that’s what these walls would say if they could talk.

Houses can be sold and new ones purchased; memories travel. Our pup was like a healing balm on wounds that are now evidenced by scars that tell a story; and while he still brought such joy and love to our lives, he now will do the same for another family. We are ready. We’re ready for all God has for us in this next chapter. We’re ready for freedom from the financial strain. I’m ready to see the dreams God awakened in my heart come to life. We are ready to turn the page. Sometimes chapters are so good that it’s hard to leave. And some chapters, you reach the last page and exhale deeply as you’ve survived and come out stronger, though your muscles feel tired and your heart feels like it’s endured serious hardship. In that exhale moment, on our last page, Father sent the sweetest breath of fresh air like a cool breeze on a sunny day, in our friends from Texas showing up at our new apartment, completely surprising us. Friends, through the difficult chapters in life, God is not surprised, nor is He absent. We are not His pawns and chess pieces on some chess board in a game He’s playing, so He’s not just causing difficulty and pain because that’s the game. He’s not pensively sitting back thinking about what move He will make next. No, He will use what those walls hold secret, if you let Him. He will restore what’s been taken or destroyed (Joel 2:25-26). He is present and aware and knows just when to send refreshing rain on thirsty ground… that’s what James and Renee were to our souls tonight. Fresh rain on thirsty ground as we adventure on to our next chapter. If these new walls could talk, we’re sure off to an adventurous start!

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28 (ESV)

“Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.”
Psalm 27:13 (NLT)

“I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you.
“You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God,
who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame.”
Joel 2:25-26 (ESV)