All-the-Mommas’ Day

It was 2 days before Mother’s Day and I was babysitting 4 of my favorite tiny humans. It wasn’t until 8pm that I was planning on being there, but my work schedule was adjusted so I got there 2 and a half hours earlier and they were all awake.

My friends’ daughter had made some poor choices during the week so she’d been serving her consequences. She either had to be my shadow by my side or be in her room, no tv, no movie, and no being by herself outside of her bedroom. She’s working on being trusted. So the boys finished watching a movie and I sat at the table with K; I could see the boys and K and she couldn’t see the tv.

K had finished drawing her picture, so I gave her a page from my adult coloring book and poured my color pencils out on the table to be shared. After K colored a few flower petals, she looked at my partially colored flower and immediately gets saddened by how I/adults can color in the lines and she can’t. I tell her I’ve had many more years of experience, but then proceeded to show her how to color in the lines. I told her to grab the pencil and I put my hand on hers. We took a deep breath and I told her to color in the lines, sometimes we have to take a deep breath, go slow, and take our time. We have to look at the shapes and approach the line slowly then fill in. I took my hand off of hers and cheered her on as she saw herself slowly coloring in the lines on her own. “There ya go! You got it! You just have to slow down and take your time.” She stops, looks at me, and says, “Thank you for teaching me, Mrs. Charis.”

She had the earliest bedtime, so we walked to her room to get her ready for bed. After some back and forth of not wanting to go to bed, she concedes and I tuck her in like a soft taco, per her request—she gets under the covers and I flat-handed tuck the blankets around her perimeter.

I turn on her sleep music, turn the light off, and start heading out the door, until she says, “Im sorry about Zadok.” I smile and respond, “Thank you, baby, sleep tight.” And I walk out.

It’s astounding to me how well these sweet babies remember our little boy, how they’ve apologized to me for Zadok being in heaven or “I’m sorry your baby died”, even almost a year later—which I almost can’t believe; time is quite the conundrum. Many may see babysitting 4 kiddos as quite the task, but in a season of recovering from child loss God’s included them as part of His treatment plan for my heart. Through the babysitting and tuck-ins and bedtime prayers and hugs and dancing and giggles and laughter and remembering Zadok, they have brought my heart so much healing and joy.

I’ve always loved working with kids, being around kids, loving on kids. And on this journey, Father’s brought truth from sorrow that while I don’t get to mother my babies here on earth, I’ve always been a momma. Whether I’m the cool aunt or the case manager or just a nurturer in general, I’m a momma. And before then, at the core of who I am, I’m a daughter. I’m His daughter.

I didn’t know what Mother’s Day would look or feel like this year. I didn’t know if it would be painful or if I’d just be okay. Mother’s Day 2017 was painful after losing Malachi and no one knowing it. Mother’s Day 2018 was joyful and my first Mother’s Day being pregnant. In fact, we announced to the world on Mother’s Day last year that we were pregnant; there are a couple videos that circled the Facebook land that just screamed the goodness of God. We were so excited and my heart was overjoyed and hopefilled. But then I learned my hope cannot be in a pregnancy, as a pregnancy can be lost or even stolen. My hope has to be Hope, the person, Jesus. He cannot be lost, He cannot be stolen, He cannot be rid of or killed. He died and He came back. In Him alone has to be where my hope lies.

The day before Mother’s Day came and I received a Mother’s Day card in the mail from my in-loves. They remembered me, their daughter without their grand babies in arms, no visual reminder of life given, and sent me a card just to say I see you, momma to our grandsons we all love and miss. All the tears were shed, y’all. It meant so much! Then I woke up this morning to 4 texts from friends and family telling me Happy Mother’s Day. Every text read I smiled and teared up a little. The enemy tries to snuff out what he has no control over… like the impact or the presence of our sons’ lives. Not only did they exist, but they’re remembered by people in our lives too!

Today, I’m ever thankful that we have a community that didn’t just share in our joy of getting pregnant, but in our pain of losing him and then also in our hope in Jesus and looking forward to His promises being fulfilled with expectancy. Because we shared our joy and pain, at church this morning instead of being overlooked and instead of preparing for our pastor to potentially forget to add all the special momma’s in his Mother’s Day greeting… today my heart was filled with joy when people who’ve been with us different legs of our journey wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and made sure I went to get the Mother’s Day gift cause “you’re a momma”. Jesus met me at church today both in worship and in the arms of my sisters in Christ, my tribe.

Vulnerability in community matters, friends. Being honest with yourself matters. Entrusting your people with the hard stuff matters. You don’t have to share your life with the world, but do share it with those who will walk through joy and pain and will stand on His promises with you and for you. Share it with the ones expecting Him to move on your behalf, those who will point you to Hope so you, my friend, can adventure on.

To my sisters in the struggle who have babies in heaven, Happy Mother’s Day.

To my sisters in the struggle who are waiting in expectation of His promises to be fulfilled in your life and in mine, Happy Mother’s Day.

To my sisters who have children of any kind—adopted, foster, biological, step, etc.—Happy Mother’s Day.

To my sisters who have lost children both young and old, Happy Mother’s Day.

To my sisters who are pregnant and awaiting the arrival of their miracle, Happy Mother’s Day.

To my sisters who kill it at mothering as auntie, nanny, teacher, sister, mentor, grandma, grammy, friend, _________, Happy Mother’s Day.

Before being mommas, we are Father’s daughters first. I pray today you know you are loved and you are seen.